It’s no secret that our culture can be demanding on men. Men should be tough and rugged, and not show feelings or emotions. We’re raised to be Vikings, warriors or cowboys. Think John Wayne, or the Marlboro Man—by himself on a horse in the middle of Montana. We’re taught from an early age that we are on our own, but in reality many men share similar feelings of being stuck, isolated or unhappy in our lives.

Enter Victories of the Heart (VOH), a noprofit organization based in Chicago, which helps men to build stronger relationships with others, gain a greater acceptance of themselves and increase satisfaction in their lives. VOH was founded by clinical psychologist Bob Mark, Ph.D., and psychotherapist Buddy Portugal, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., and has helped nearly 5,000 men since the organization and its first program originally began as The Men’s Room in 1985.

The core program of VOH is the BreakThrough Weekend. The program is an intensive weekend group experience led by trained facilitators, in which each man who participates has an opportunity to freely express feelings and emotions in a safe, supportive, confidential environment where it’s okay to be vulnerable. And no one is shamed for not participating—all activities on the weekend are voluntary.

Usually 30 men—20 participants and 10 staff —retreat to a cottage in the woods in Wisconsin, where they’re asked not to talk about business, politics, sports or religion, and to only use first names. Through group discussion, communication exercises and psychodrama, participants recreate an event in their life that might have limiting or destructive emotions attached. The experience is then reframed so that the individual has an empowering and positive new emotional experience, instead of the negative learned from the past.

For many, the weekend can be a transformative experience, but it’s just a first step. Participants are encouraged to continue their personal growth with fellow grads of the program. Facilitators provide guidance during the first six months, and joining the group is optional.

Dr. Paul Kachoris is an M.D. and psychiatrist in private practice in Skokie, Ill., and has staffed the BreakThrough Weekends since participating in 1990. Kurt Schultz is a retired senior litigation partner with a large law firm in Chicago, and president of the VOH board of directors. He has staffed the Weekends since he participated in 1991. Mindful Metropolis sat down with Kachoris and Schultz to discuss VOH, how it can make a difference in someone’s life and their greatest hope for what a participant can take away from the BreakThrough Weekend.

How would you describe Victories of the Heart to someone you just met?
Paul Kachoris: I tell them my own story—for me personally it was transformative. It cracked me open on a level that I had never really allowed myself to experience. I had accomplished a lot, but I wasn’t fulfilled. I had done a lot of things, but also felt I was not actualizing myself completely, and I knew enough about myself to know I was unhappy. Having been a physician and having learned psychiatry, I knew a lot about emotions and feelings, and even having had my own therapy, it still was very profound when I ended up doing the weekend. It’s about trying to open up one’s emotions and feelings. The way to explain this is that it’s really an experience of themselves.

Kurt Schultz: VOH is an educational organization that helps men with personal growth, and understanding the types of shifts they’d like to make in their personal lives, and the blocks that stand in the way of where they want to be...primarily in the context of personal relationships, but any kind of human relationships.

Can you explain some of what happens on the BreakThrough Weekend?
PK: Men do a quantum leap when going through the weekend. In the first 24 hours everyone finds out, I’m not the only one who is unhappy or who is lost, or I’m not the only one who doesn’t know where my life is going. They begin to recognize that they’re not isolated and that they’re connected. The BreakThrough really describes what happens. The weekend is all about helping them breakthrough blocks. We ask the participants to look at what keeps them from being more open, and we try to push them to be more vulnerable, which of course we don’t normally want to do with strangers because it’s scary.

It’s amazing to me, men come in and they don’t talk to each other—they don’t even know each other on Friday night, and by Sunday they’re hugging and emoting and expressing their pain and their souls—it’s a brotherhood.

KS: It’s very gentle and inviting. The men come in, they’re welcomed and they get a sense, first and foremost, that they’re in a safe place to be vulnerable. No one is required or forced to do anything. We ask them to put a fine point on that shift they’d like to make in their life—maybe learning how to be more proactive and less passive, how to speak more from the heart instead of the head, or maybe being more supportive and affirming in relationships as opposed to being critical and judgmental.

Then they’re asked to think about what it is that’s holding them back…usually fear, grief, anger, or some experience from the past. The key is that the experience is reframed so each man has an empowering and positive new emotional experience to call on, so the next time he’s in a situation where he’d normally flip into one kind of behavior, he can say, I have the ability now to do this a little differently. It’s so elegantly simple, yet so incredibly powerful, and it’s all done in an incredibly respectful, supportive and loving environment.

How can the BreakThrough Weekend make a difference in someone’s life?
PK: It’s an opportunity to take a look at yourself, maybe take an inventory and decide for yourself. If you want to learn something about yourself, you can. It’s up to you if you want to take it or not. I don’t want to be a salesman, I want to be an authentic voice as to the potential that this has given me, and I’d say you have the same potential.

KS: I would say: Are there things in your life you’d like to change? Are you feeling blocked in some important aspect of your life? Are you interested in understanding why you deal with other people and situations in the way you deal with them? Would you like to try and get behind some of the old fears and anxieties? If so, this is a great way to begin to take a look at that. We’re not magicians—we’re offering a really wonderful, powerful human experience that can allow you to begin to do something different with yourself.

Can you share a highlight you’ve had while facilitating a BreakThrough Weekend?
PK: I’m always shocked at the transformation that I see by Sunday—the happiness, excitement, and exhilaration, the laughter that they feel after coming in as complete strangers. I feel like a little kid in awe of the magical things that happen.

KS: It might sound trite and artificial, but each and every weekend that I’ve ever staffed or led has been incredibly special and incredibly touching. The reason is that on the weekends, after men realize this is a safe place to be vulnerable, I and they have the opportunity to look into one another’s souls, and if you’re able to do that with another person, there is no greater experience that you could ask for. The sense of being cared for and accepted and loved just for who you are—there are not many places in the world where that’s offered as an opportunity.

What happens after the weekend ends?
PK: What gets stirred up needs to be followed up. All the men on the weekend are invited to meet for three hours every other week for six months with facilitators to help them. I was in my group every other week for 10-15 years. It’s where you really begin working on the issues. We also have a 90-day reunion, and a 180-day reunion and we invite men who have experienced the weekend to come again as staff. There are a lot of possibilities to keep going.

KS: At the end of the weekend, mid-day Sunday, we tell the guys ‘you’ve had this experience, and if you choose to do something with it, we offer a place.’ All of the ways of being that bring a man to a weekend like this have taken decades to build up, so it’s going to take a certain amount of time to begin seeing things in a different light and to make different choices. It’s after the weekend that the genuine transformation takes place. It’s the spark of the weekend that enlivens someone, opens their eyes and gives them incentive or hope to make a shift in their life—to do something different in their lives.

How has participating in the BreakThrough Weekend helped in your own life?
PK: I became a better husband and father. So, I liberated my children and I broke the chain. My two sons and daughter are much more emotional and open, and doing what they want to do from their hearts. That’s another positive piece of what the program can do—because men bring it back home, then you get the ripple effect.

KS: I have better communication, not only with my family, but also my good friends. I learned how to be vulnerable in an appropriate way and I learned how beneficial that was. It also helped me to take a look at myself, and to make the changes that I wanted and needed to make in order to have the kind of family I always wanted. It was the thing that gave me an outlet for expressing so many of the things that make me a human being. I’ve devoted a significant part of my retirement years to this, and sure, I give of myself, but what I receive in return is just incredible.

What is your greatest hope for what someone might take away from the BreakThrough Weekend?
PK: I think the greatest hope is for them to find their own authentic and unique self and to come from inside of who they are. I don’t want to tell them who they should be; I want to give them the chance to find themselves. That’s the greatest liberation.

KS: I want them to see that the barriers in their life are not insurmountable. I want them to know that there are other people in this world that genuinely and truly care about them.

Participate in a BreakThrough Weekend:
The next BreakThrough WEEKEND is January 22-24, 2010. The cost is $690. Scholarships, discounts and payment plans are available, and although participants are asked to pay something, no one has ever been turned away from the program. The BreakThrough Weekend is open to all men regardless of race, age, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status.

Victories of the Heart also facilitates The Wisdom Years, which offers an opportunity for men over 50 to think about the second half of adult life; and The Shadow Weekend, in which BreakThrough Weekend grads further confront issues that prevent personal growth.

For more information on all of Victories of the Heart programs, call 312.604.5013 or visit victoriesoftheheart.org.